Freedom in Self-Reflection

One day few years ago, I found myself in front of the altar, feeling immensely lonely on this path.  In normal terms, I was happily married. My husband is a great guy. He is also a yoga teacher, an activist and works with non-profit organizations and has the best interest of the world at his heart and his ultimate destination of a sort matches with my aspirations.

 However, on this spiritual path, internally I felt so alone. I felt unsupported, misunderstood, unseen, unheard, alone, etc.  Because on a daily basis, he had no sense of urgency to the wakeup call I heard. He would indulge in the pleasures of life without any guilt. Many a times, he would over indulge and his behaviors triggered even more impatience within me, I needed to escape it, along with impatience came anger, resentment, rejection of him, disappointment in our marriage and in myself, despair would set in, hopelessness, helplessness and then extreme loneliness is not far away. I would constantly think about getting divorce and enrolling myself in a nunnery, becoming a wandering yogi or a tantrika or go for long retreats.

 So one of those days, I found myself in front of my altar, pouring my heart out to the Three Jewels. The loneliness of this journey was in every pore of my skin. Tears were streaming down my face, I wailed and screamed from the depths of my tunnel being and I cried “I can’t do this anymore, I am so so so lonely, there is not a single soul on this planet who understands me, feels as intensely as I do, this path is so excruciatingly hard and painful, it takes so much courage and without any support but with much distraction – I can’t do it alone, I am so alone.” And like that I was feeling this loneliness mixed with rage and sadness and it went for few hours. My cry was deep and loud. I just wanted someone enlightened to pick up the pieces for me. My poor husband was consoling me, rubbing my back, wrapping his arms around me, asking me for forgiveness and trying his best to take my suffering away.

 At the peak this loneliness – like a blazing thunder, it hit me at once. O My God, look at this, this ego’s trip, that it could cry from the depth of loneliness when all the evidence is of interconnectedness. Look at this ego, so out of control, so loud and huge yet so fragile, small and insecure.This whole time I have been feeling lonely, this house has been the witness to it, the sky, the earth, the Three Jewels and the whole manifestation has been witness to my journey of separating and isolating myself from the reality. The only person feeling lonely is this story because it has focused so much on the separation and exclusion and not on inclusion. And this entire realization happened in fraction of second’s time like a lightning and I just laughed hysterically. Just a moment ago, I was in the depths of hell, chains and despair and now I am laughing like a free mad woman at this ego’s drama and trip. I sat there, just laughing and crying at the same time like a two sides of the same coin.

 That day, I think my desperate loneliness was cured. I haven’t felt that lonely since then. There is a recognition of this path being precious, sacred, and rare because it demands courage, because it is not easy, because it’s a path of meeting and not separating. It’s a constant and a daily practice to be reminded of this soul’s tendency to other an outsider.

 Over the years, I became more tolerant of my husband. Instead, I have come to hypothesize that my intolerance of my husband’s behavior is probably more toxic than him enjoying and indulging in the pleasures of life. My judgment of his existence as being mundane was making my existence mundane. So I started minding my own business and really started focusing on this mind that has gotten so jaded, has become so isolated from the rest and have become so critical of all existence. Constantly coming back to minding my own business was one of the best decision so of my life. Now I can even appreciate my husband’s happy disposition. I feel lucky that I have a mostly happy husband in the house. 🙂

 And as I pay more and more attention to my mind, emotions and bodily sensation – I realize the trauma of karma unwittingly accumulated by this soul. And because I can now see how much depth of despair is within me, I also can sense how much more integrity, diligence, patience, compassion, discipline, and practice it will take to even out my karma and come out free.

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